Spectare

I've been thinking about infidelity in the context of not actually being in love but still in a sense loving the person just because of the closeness shared in the setting of a year (2/2 total time spent together, ostensibly being bf-gf at social and family gatherings, listening to a person's ramblings and being able to disclose one's own ramblings without censorship, etc). Well, the fixation fluctuates between the act of lying, the content of lies, the attempt to discern what was 'truth' (though that term itself is problematic) and what was just fabrication to protect his own selfish ass. Then comes the point of where I almost believe that I cared about him more than I did when in actuality I secretly didn't want him to move to California with me though I selfishly enjoyed the idea of a road trip and thought it would be nice to have someone take care of me. The decision became clear to me during our trip to Vermont in early February where, though he was very sweet and in fact the group teased us about a tender moment we had where we were sitting by the fireplace while every one else was eating mediocre pizza and subs complemented by lots of beer, I realized that there was something essential missing, some fundamental connection lacking, and well, that I still didn't trust him from previous instances of lying.

So am I playing the victim here and being solipsistically self-indulgent? It's counterproductive and pulls him closer to me than he ever really was. It's time for me to move on from the trauma and not generate a falsified narrative that is more dramatic than reality. My relationship with him, which should've ended months ago, was more out of laziness, comfort, and boredom. Perhaps he could say likewise about me but then it was mutual. His infidelity, perhaps, is not necessarily indicative of a immutable and core moral defect (but then again, did I ever really know him enough to really make this conclusion? Am I just giving him the benefit of the doubt again which he so sorely does not deserve?) but more out of certain insecurities which he had left unexamined because he chooses to evade conflict. Maybe he'll learn a lesson, or maybe he won't--at least I'll try to. I disappoint hard--so even this'll take a while to get over. It hurts but it's not me. It's him.