The Violet Hour

Gin Fizz and Tom Collins sit next to each other.

Complacent and content to be near one another,

one glass is sweatier than the other, on

this suburban August day,

not yet inured.

Tom tips his hat and two citrus droplets

topple and shed.

He is embarrassed.

Gin curtsies but finds she is too bloated

to be comfortable in her bent position

and immediately returns to

her upright position.

First Dose

Being sick and alone in a hotel room in an unfamiliar city is an extremely lonely experience and is not what I was anticipating prior to my departure from NYC. The excitement of being able to explore Chicago is now replaced by physical exhaustion which is further compounded by the chilly and windy weather. I woke up to an overcast sky and temperatures in the 20s F. Meanwhile, in an attempt to minimize this feeling of coryza (my throat burns and there is mucus coming from my nose and lungs), I went to CVS and bought some super combo cold medication which has Tylenol, phenylephrine, DXM, and guaifenesin (a cough suppressant and expectorant--weird). Unfortunately I forgot that I have to start taking my Larium today--so in a matter of 5 minutes I probably swallowed 5 different medications. I will keep track of the vivid dreams that are supposed to be a common side effect of Larium, though the cold and other medications might account for the bizarre dreams. What confounders!

I think it's time to snuggle up against some sheets and watch a movie.

Spectare

I've been thinking about infidelity in the context of not actually being in love but still in a sense loving the person just because of the closeness shared in the setting of a year (2/2 total time spent together, ostensibly being bf-gf at social and family gatherings, listening to a person's ramblings and being able to disclose one's own ramblings without censorship, etc). Well, the fixation fluctuates between the act of lying, the content of lies, the attempt to discern what was 'truth' (though that term itself is problematic) and what was just fabrication to protect his own selfish ass. Then comes the point of where I almost believe that I cared about him more than I did when in actuality I secretly didn't want him to move to California with me though I selfishly enjoyed the idea of a road trip and thought it would be nice to have someone take care of me. The decision became clear to me during our trip to Vermont in early February where, though he was very sweet and in fact the group teased us about a tender moment we had where we were sitting by the fireplace while every one else was eating mediocre pizza and subs complemented by lots of beer, I realized that there was something essential missing, some fundamental connection lacking, and well, that I still didn't trust him from previous instances of lying.

So am I playing the victim here and being solipsistically self-indulgent? It's counterproductive and pulls him closer to me than he ever really was. It's time for me to move on from the trauma and not generate a falsified narrative that is more dramatic than reality. My relationship with him, which should've ended months ago, was more out of laziness, comfort, and boredom. Perhaps he could say likewise about me but then it was mutual. His infidelity, perhaps, is not necessarily indicative of a immutable and core moral defect (but then again, did I ever really know him enough to really make this conclusion? Am I just giving him the benefit of the doubt again which he so sorely does not deserve?) but more out of certain insecurities which he had left unexamined because he chooses to evade conflict. Maybe he'll learn a lesson, or maybe he won't--at least I'll try to. I disappoint hard--so even this'll take a while to get over. It hurts but it's not me. It's him.

Speed Dating

Last night was the match day party (which kind of sounds like a speed dating event) only that we all knew who we'd been paired up with. It's still pretty unreal for me and now more than ever do I feel that my time in NYC is limited. I'll be moving to SF come June and at least I don't have to deal with the issues of leaving behind a boyfriend or trying to convince him to follow me. In asking Micha how he was doing, it gave me pleasure to know that he wasn't sure because Christian had gone home. I remember him telling me that work was really busy this month so the fact that he went to NC means he was incredibly distressed or that his mother wanted to have a serious conversation with him. Ah, schadenfreude.

The weather is beautiful and although it seems like Armageddon is imminent (Libya/Japan/Yemen) I can't but be selfish today and enjoy the sunshine.

Heroics

They breathe through uncomfortable respirators or carry heavy oxygen tanks on their backs. They wear white, full-body jumpsuits with snug-fitting hoods that provide scant protection from the invisible radiation sleeting through their bodies.

Last Defense at Troubled Reactors: 50 Japanese Workers

Unreal and Eerie

One of the most disturbing pieces I've read about the tragedy in Japan so far.

“I lived through the Sendai air raids,” said Mr. Wako, 75, referring to the Allied bombings of the northeast’s largest city. “But this is much worse.”

Yuta Saga, 21, was picking up broken cups after the earthquake when he heard sirens and screams of “Tsunami!” He grabbed his mother by the arm and ran to the junior high school, the tallest building around...He could measure the wave’s advance by the clouds of dust created by collapsing buildings.

Worry wort

My sister just sent a series of very concerned and worried emails about going to Tokyo, particularly in fear of the aftershocks. I decided to delay my flight until Wednesday (3/16) to get a better sense. It seems that there's only been one day of normal flights and it's difficult to assess which way the situation is going.

Dianna

Fear and Uncertainty

Hello everyone,

I decided to head to Tokyo this afternoon despite travel alerts and the danger of aftershocks and the nuclear reactors. Hopefully things'll improve but it's hard to say. It's been a weird few weeks for me and I'm not going to minimize the role of what happened between Christian and me in motivating my decision to leave. It's probably not a good reason to put my life in danger but what happened was pretty traumatic and at this point I'm so tired of trying to be rational. It was a difficult decision and I hope it isn't the wrong one.

Love,

Dianna

Cloudy Days

It's extremely difficult to feel sorry for myself right now--egregiously solipsistic, in fact--but it certainly seems like there's been a dark cloud following me. It's distasteful to perceive the massive democratic revolution that liberated Egypt from 30 years of oppression under the dictatorship of Hosni Mubarak as the 3 month medical anthropology project that never was. It's perhaps even more reprehensible to be disappointed about the prospect of not being able to vacation in Japan since two days prior to my departure, the largest earthquake in Japan's history hit the Northeastern region of the country. The only bit of bad luck I feel comfortable moping about is finding out a week ago that Christian was cheating on me. It allows me to focus on this strictly personal affront while simultaneously being able to process my disappoint in the other 2 inopportune occurrences without feeling disgustingly self-indulgent.

Hopefully I'll manage to still visit my sister. We'll see what Ghana holds.

It feels good to be able to enumerate. It feels good to write in plain language.

Before Sunrise, Before Sunset

It's finally over and I am justified in my anger. This is the first day of the rest of my life. There couldn't have been a sharper knife to cut with.

I'm entitled to some cliche and cheese every once in a while.