chelonian

The worst part is that I can't really figure out what makes me happy. About two days ago I was so certain that I was going to leave NYC and go to Korea for a few months, apply to PhD programs and then see what would happen. Now I'm stuck where I started only now all I have to do is buy my ticket, tell my parents and say: yes. My parents--that's a finicky thing. I've been so afraid of telling them since I know they (especially my father) would not understand. They judge people based on their salary and their looks. For two people who bore three daughters who they more or less had very little to do with for most of their lives--I would say they are lucky. Today (on Thanksgiving) they went to Atlantic City. I hung out with Sol and then left to go to my grandmother's with my little sister. We hung out there for a few hours, not really doing anything but it seems like my Po po, who will be entering the proud ranks of octogenarians in 2 months, is all too ware of her mortality. She says she'd like to see me graduate medical school, make money, but she's not sure if she'll be around. I hope (and know--in the way that hope is knowing) that she will. If she told me to stay in NYC I would, but I would not for my parents. After all, it was my Po po who raised me when my parents were working; for most of my childhood my mom was unsure of how old I was and well, my father had his own issues to wrestle with. I'm so confused and naively all I really want is for someone to tell me what the right answer is. I'm sure there's more than one and part of life is making mistakes and then realizing that perhaps they weren't mistakes at all, nor were they blessings but simply experience/progress/occurrence. I don't want to be so unhappy anymore.

Yesterday I had a follow-up meeting with Stuart Taylor during which he asked if I was depressed. I started tearing because, indeed, I am unhappy but not really depressed--just very unhappy. He offered to refer me to someone I could talk to, but understood that many people are depressed their first two years of medical school.

I just need to get out of this space.

Happy Thanksgiving.